Bedtime Story
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker tells his children the Tale of the Dark Knight, which, despite being set a long time ago in the faraway kingdom of Gotham, seems to feature vaguely familiar characters and situations...
1. Chapter 1

**Bedtime Story**

"I think it's broken, puddin'," said Harley Quinn, her eyes narrowed as she studied the Joker's arm, hanging uselessly by his side.

"Really? What gave that away, Harley? The big chunk of bone popping outta the skin?" demanded Joker, holding an icepack to his swollen eye.

Harley ignored the sarcasm. "You should really be in the hospital," she muttered. "Luckily I've set enough of your bones that I'm basically a qualified surgeon. Just hold still and try not to scream too loudly."

"I don't scream, Harley…" began Joker, but Harley popped the bone back into its socket at that moment, and Joker let out what many people might term as a high-pitched scream, or perhaps shriek. (It's doubtful the Joker would have preferred either term.)

"Daddy's home!" shrieked an excited voice, and a second later the door to the bedroom banged open and two shapes came rushing in, launching themselves at Joker.

Joker managed to hold back the scream this time as both shapes collided with his broken body, turning his grimace of pain into a smile. "Hi, kiddies!" he exclaimed. "Get off Daddy's arm now – just move a little over there – that's it!" he said, smiling genuinely as his twin children, Arleen and J.J., settled themselves on his knees, hugging him tightly around the waist.

"What's wrong with your arm, Daddy?" asked J.J., as Harley hurried to hide the wound in a bandage. "And your eye?" he asked, looking up at his father's black eye.

"Aw, Daddy just had an unfortunate run-in with the Bat…the Bat…uh…the bathtub," invented Joker quickly at the warning look Harley was giving him. "Slipped and fell when I got outta the bath. Clumsy me."

"See? Baths are dangerous, Mommy, I told you!" said J.J., triumphantly. "I don't think we should take 'em anymore."

"You're both still taking baths," said Harley, firmly. "But Mommy is helping you in and outta 'em, as usual. Might do the same for your Daddy too," she said, kissing his cheek.

"It's not nice seeing you hurt, Daddy," said Arleen, cuddling him. "You should be more careful."

"Well, Daddy doesn't like being hurt either, Princess," he said, kissing the top of her head.

"But it does mean that Daddy gets to spend some time at home for once," said Harley. "He can't go back to work anytime soon, not like this, can you, Daddy?" she asked him, smiling.

"Yeah, I guess not," he agreed.

"You mean today is a Daddy day?" exclaimed J.J., beaming.

"Yay!" shouted Arleen, clapping her hands enthusiastically. "Daddy day! Daddy day! Daddy day!"

"That's right, kiddies, and you know what a Daddy day means?" he asked, grinning. "It means you're gonna be spoiled rotten!" he said, giving Arleen an eskimo kiss. "Now let's all go have breakfast, and we can decide what we wanna do today."

"The zoo! I wanna go to the zoo!" said J.J., as they raced down the hall toward the kitchen.

"I wanna go on the carousel in the mall!" said Arleen.

"Zoo!"

"Mall!"

"Zoo!"

"Mall!"

"Kiddies, there's no reason why we can't go to the zoo _and _the mall," said Joker, as they sat down at the breakfast table. "Plenty of hours in the day."

"I don't like going to the zoo, though," grumbled Arleen. "Those animals in cages always look so sad. Especially the hyenas. They should be laughing, like Bud and Lou always are," she said, as Harley went to the back door to let in their pet hyenas, and then went to go make pancakes. The two hyenas leapt up onto the chairs and began pawing and nuzzling the family affectionately, and then went to go stand next to Harley by the stove, wagging their tails and waiting for her to drop some of the pancakes.

"Well, we'll see if we can't get them laughing today," said Joker. "You know how Daddy loves to spread the laughter, doncha, angelface?"

"Yeah. Why can't everyone be like you, Daddy?" asked Arleen, cuddling him again.

"I often ask myself that very same question, sweetness," sighed Joker, smiling. "But I guess I'm just a one-in-a-million kinda guy."

"You sure are, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing him as she served them their pancakes and then sat down.

"Mommy, don't do that, it's gross," said J.J., making a face. "I don't wanna throw up my breakfast."

"What's gross about kissing a girl, J.J.?" asked Joker, pouring syrup onto his pancakes.

"It's just gross," repeated J.J., firmly. "Kissing is sissy, girly stuff, like in those stupid fairytales Mommy reads to us."

"I've never heard you objecting to the fairytales before, J.J.," said Harley, surprised.

"They're fine until they get to the end," said J.J., wrinkling his nose. "They always end with some stupid kiss of true love, claiming that's the most powerful thing in the world."

"It _is _the most powerful thing in the world," retorted Arleen.

"Leenie, there's no way a kiss is more powerful than an atomic bomb, or a tank, or even a submachine gun," said J.J., matter-of-factly.

"I have to agree with your sister," said Harley. "True love's kiss is more powerful than all of that. You kiddies wouldn't even exist if not for true love's kiss."

"See?" said Arleen, sticking her tongue out.

"Daddy, tell 'em they're wrong," said J.J.

"First rule of living with women, son – never tell them they're wrong," said Joker, sagely. "You'll be a lot happier for it."

"Well, they _are _wrong," muttered J.J., finishing his pancakes. "When's the last time true love's kiss has won a war? Oh, that's right. Never."

"Maybe they should try it next time," said Arleen, finishing her milk.

"I'd pay to see that!" chuckled Joker. "You coming to the zoo and the mall with us, pumpkin pie?" he asked Harley, as she stood up to clear away the dishes.

"No, you should have a day with just you and kids, puddin'," she said. "I have work to do around here anyway, laundry and dishes and stuff. You should take the babies, though," she said, nodding at the hyenas. "They need their exercise."

"Yeah, you'd like the zoo, wouldn't you, boys?" asked Joker, petting the hyenas. "You can laugh at all those other animals stuck in cages, like the suckers they are."

Bud and Lou chuckled, wagging their tails happily. They tugged on their leashes, eager to get through the gates of the zoo and follow Arleen and J.J., who rushed ahead.

"Kids, stay together!" shouted Joker. "Or no ice creams!"

"Sir, you're not allowed to take pets into the…" began one of the zookeepers, but stopped speaking as he recognized the man holding the hyenas' leashes.

"Sorry, what am I not allowed to do?" asked Joker, smiling at him.

"Uh…nothing. Have a pleasant visit," said the man, stepping aside to let him in.

"Sure will, sport!" chuckled Joker. Arleen and J.J. were staring into the monkey cages, and Bud and Lou leaped up against the bars, giggling at the captive animals.

"They really do look sad, Daddy," said Arleen, forlornly.

"Aw, cheer up, sweetie," said Joker, handing her and J.J. an ice cream each. "Have an ice cream. Daddy will make the animals smile."

He sprayed a cloud of Joker toxin from the flower in his buttonhole, and the monkeys instantly began laughing hysterically. "Y'see? Look how happy they are!" said Joker, beaming. "Now let's move along," he said, ushering the kids away before they could see the end result of the Joker toxin.

They reached the hyena cage at last, and Bud and Lou jumped onto the bars, panting happily and wagging their tails. "It says these two are called Laverne and Shirley, after the famous female comedy duo," said Joker, reading the plaque. He frowned. "Boy, for a comedy duo, they don't look very happy."

"Told you, Daddy, it's just sad to see 'em," said Arleen, gazing in pity at the two female hyenas, who lay in the enclosure with their heads down, looking miserable.

Bud and Lou barked, and they raised their heads suddenly, and began wagging their tails. "Aw, ya like 'em, do ya, boys?" asked Joker. The hyenas nodded vigorously, straining to get over the bars. The two female hyenas approached the bars, looking equally eager and barking loudly.

"Well, I'm not a man to stand in the way of true love," said Joker. "C'mon, boys."

He found the cage door and sprayed acid on the lock, melting it. Then he kicked the door open, and Bud and Lou raced inside, laughing happily.

"Aw, ain't that cute?" said Joker, as Bud and Lou began nuzzling and playing with the female hyenas. "Nothing like a little puppy love to put a smile on your…"

He trailed off suddenly. "What are they doing, Daddy?" asked Arleen, mystified.

"Why are they jumping on the other hyenas from behind like that, Daddy?" asked J.J.

Joker clapped his hands over their eyes. "Uh…they're just…uh…playing," he said. "Yeah, playing…uh…we'll leave you to it, boys, give you some privacy, back soon!" he shouted at the hyenas, dragging the children away. "Let's go get another ice cream and forget we saw that."

"What kinda way is that to behave on your first date, huh?" he hissed when they returned to collect the hyenas later. "I'm surprised at you, boys! And those dames ain't any kinda ladies!"

Bud and Lou whined, gazing longingly back the female hyenas, who looked equally upset at being parted from them. "Yeah, yeah, we'll come back and see your girlfriends soon, ok?" sighed Joker. "Though I'm sure you can both do a lot better. Never thought Laverne and Shirley was that funny anyway," he muttered.

Next stop was the mall, where a large carousel had been set up in the middle of the shopping center. Arleen and J.J. both raced toward it, but Arleen stopped abruptly, her face falling in disappointment.

"What's wrong, sweetness?" asked Joker, noticing.

"I wanna ride the purple unicorn, Daddy," she said, pointing. "I always ride the purple unicorn."

Joker looked up to see that another child was seated on the purple unicorn. "Don't you worry, Princess," he said, patting her head. "If my little angel wants the purple unicorn, she gets the purple unicorn."

He strode up to the child. "Hey, kid, I'll think you'll wanna get off the purple unicorn, ok?" he muttered.

"No," snapped the child, clinging onto it.

"Aw, see, I really think you do," said Joker.

"No!" repeated the child.

"Stubborn little tyke, ain't ya?" said Joker, his face falling dangerously. "But you're getting off that purple unicorn if I have to rip your dead body off it, got it?!"

The child stared at him in terror, and then began crying, but didn't let go of the unicorn. "Last chance, kiddo," said Joker, drawing his gun.

"Nicky, just get off the unicorn now!" said the child's mother, rushing over to him and pulling him off it, despite the sobbing and fighting from the child.

"That's better!" said Joker, smiling. He dusted the unicorn off and then said, "It's all yours, Princess!"

Arleen beamed and kissed her father as he helped her up onto the unicorn. "Thanks, Daddy!" she exclaimed.

"No problem, sweetness, I hate it when other people touch my stuff too," said Joker. "Not a unicorn man myself, but I am fond of purple."

Joker bought them a big bag of candy each to eat on the way home, so by the time they arrived back for dinner, they didn't have any appetite for it. Especially not for the vegetables.

"Kids, you have to eat your veggies so you'll grow up big and strong," said Harley, trying to coax them into finishing the plate of brussel sprouts in front of them, which both the twins and Joker looked at with faces of disgust.

"C'mon, Harley, you can't expect kiddies to eat this crap," said Joker, shoving his plate away. "It's bad enough for grown-ups. Here, kiddies, have some more candy," he said, reaching into his pocket.

"Don't give them candy before they've finished their veggies, puddin'…" began Harley.

"No veggies, Mommy!" protested J.J., and Arleen echoed him.

"Yeah, no veggies, Harley!" retorted Joker. "Kids don't like nasty veggies – they like candy!"

"Puddin', I said…"

"Daddy will give Mommy some candy too later tonight if she's a good girl about this," interrupted Joker, sliding an arm around her waist. "Like a nice, big, hard lollipop."

"Oh…puddin'!" gasped Harley, adoringly. She picked up the plate of brussel sprouts and threw it in the trash without a moment's hesitation. Arleen and J.J. cheered as Joker kissed her, and handed the children more candy.

"Daddy days are the best!" said J.J., happily, stuffing his face full of candy.

That night, after the mandatory bath, much to J.J.'s dismay, Joker tucked them both into their bunkbeds and said, "So, you kiddies want a story?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed Arleen, clapping her hands happily. "Tell us a fairytale, Daddy, please?"

J.J. sighed, rolling his eyes. "No, c'mon, Daddy, tell us a good story, not a lotta mushy, girly stuff."

"Oh, you think all fairytales have gotta be mushy, girly stuff, huh, J.J.?" asked Joker, sitting down next to the bed.

"All the ones Mommy tells are," said J.J.

"Well, have you ever heard the story of The Dark Knight?" asked Joker. "That ain't mushy, girly stuff. That's a tale that's scared grown men."

"The Dark Knight?" repeated J.J. "Who's that? He sounds scary."

"Well, he'd like to think he is," retorted Joker, nodding.

"Don't scare the kids, puddin'!" hissed Harley, entering the room. "I don't think that particular story is appropriate for them just yet."

"We can take it, Mommy!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Yeah, I ain't scared of this Dark Knight, whoever he is!" said J.J.

"I'm sure they can handle it, pumpkin," said Joker, beaming. "I mean, it's only a story, after all. And all the people in it are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And it doesn't even take place in the here and now – it takes place once upon a time in faraway land, as these stories always do."

Harley looked at him and then sighed, shaking her head. "Go on, then, puddin'," she said, sitting down next to him. "Let's hear the story."

"Story, Daddy!" said Arleen, jumping up and down. "Story, story, story!"

"All right, if you're sure you're brave enough," sighed Joker. "J.J.?"

"Bring it on," retorted J.J., folding his arms across his chest.

"Ok. Here it goes," said Joker, grinning. "The Tale of the Dark Knight…"


	2. Chapter 2

Once upon a time in the faraway kingdom of Gotham, there lived a king and queen. As kings and queens go, these two were all right – I've always said benevolent tyranny is probably the best system of government – less of a crazy idea than democracy anyway. At least then only one psycho is in charge, instead of millions! But I digress. The people who were ruled by this king and queen loved them, and they loved each other very much, but still they weren't happy. They had everything, and yet they had nothing. Quite the existential crisis. And they spent a lotta time scratching their heads over it, until they realized what was missing from their lives. It was an heir to the throne. A baby. So they set about making one…

"How did they do that, Daddy?" interrupted J.J. "How do you make a baby?"

"Uh…it's to do with…y'know…magic wands and wishes and things like that, J.J.," said Joker, waving his hand. "Far, far too complicated to explain right now. Anyway, it worked, and soon the queen gave birth to a little baby girl. A princess. And they named her Harley."

Princess Harley was everything you'd expect a princess to be. Beautiful, with long golden hair and big blue eyes, sweet, and kind. Maybe not as graceful as your average princess – maybe also a little more opinionated and outspoken. But the people loved her as much as her parents, and as she grew into a young woman, everyone was certain that she would make as good a ruler as her parents. The future seemed nothing but bright for Gotham.

Until one day, a monster appeared in the kingdom. A huge, hideous beast, with giant leather wings and sharp, pointed teeth, which it used to attack and devour the citizens of Gotham. No one was safe from this horrible monster, and many feared its reign of terror would never end, when one day a Dark Knight appeared in the kingdom. His armor was black as night, and he always kept his face hidden behind his helmet. He had no other name but the Dark Knight. And he swore to the king and queen that he would slay this terrible beast, on one condition. That they would grant him Princess Harley's hand in marriage.

Now the king and queen were pretty smart people, and so they weren't about to just blindly trust a mysterious, formidable-looking stranger who just appeared outta nowhere demanding their daughter's hand in marriage. Because they knew that whoever married Princess Harley would eventually rule the kingdom with her, and it's important not to trust your entire kingdom or your daughter to any weirdo off the street. So they told the Dark Knight that they'd consider his offer, but would continue to hunt around for other options, if it was all right with him. The Dark Knight politely accepted the decision, and asked if he would be permitted to stay at court just in case his services were needed. The king and queen agreed.

A few weeks after this, the king and queen themselves were attacked by the terrible monster, and devoured whole. Naturally in such circumstances, Princess Harley should have inherited the throne. But she fell into such a deep depression at the death of her parents that she was consumed by despair, and had no interest in life, or the ruling of her kingdom. Plus the Dark Knight warned the people and the court that the same fate might befall Princess Harley as her parents, unless she was kept safe from the monster. So Princess Harley was confined, both by choice and by popular demand, to Castle Arkham. In the meantime, the kingdom was ruled by the late king's councilors, and the Dark Knight began pressuring them to grant him Princess Harley's hand in marriage in return for slaying the beast. The councilors were starting to cave to his demands. And that's where this story really gets good, with the introduction of our hero.

See, the court physician thought that with all this doom and gloom and death, what was needed in Castle Arkham to lighten things up was a little entertainment, someone who could cheer the Princess Harley out of her deep melancholy. After many attempts and failures, they at last sent for the funniest guy around, the renowned court jester known as the Joker. Now this Joker was the handsomest, bravest, funniest, most charming, most intelligent, most talented man who resembled a clown you ever saw. Probably reminds you of someone you know, huh? Anyway, our story begins with the Joker arriving at Castle Arkham, after a long and arduous journey.

"Boy, that was a long and arduous journey!" said the Joker to himself, as he looked upon the forbidding gates of Castle Arkham. "It's always one thing after another in these fairytale-worlds – ogres, giants, dragons, rodents of unusual size. Thank God I'm at the end of my quest now, with no more exciting or dangerous adventures ahead of me. Just my new, sweet little ha-hacienda, Castle Arkham."

He entered the gates, looking around at the servants and courtiers who hurried from place to place, solemn and frowning. "Geez, these people really do need my help," he muttered to himself. "Looks like nobody's smiled in ages. Hey, buddy, wanna hear a joke?" he asked a passing courtier.

The courtier turned to him, glaring at him sternly from behind his glasses. "Buddy?" he repeated, adjusting his hat. "I am the court wizard."

"Oh yeah, guess I should have guessed that from the pointy hat and the dress," said the Joker, nodding.

"It's a robe," retorted the wizard, irritated. "I assume you're the clown."

"Yep, I'm the Joker," said the Joker, extending his hand. The wizard took it and cried out as a nail attached to the Joker's glove pierced his palm.

"Is that meant to be funny?" demanded the wizard, rubbing his sore hand angrily.

"Yeah, nothing funnier than a little stabbing," retorted the Joker, smiling. "Unless it's maiming or mutilation or torture of varying kinds."

"Clearly your sense of humor leaves something to be desired," muttered the wizard. "But you shall be hailed as a miracle-worker if you can get her highness the Princess to smile. She has not done so since the death of her parents."

"Challenge accepted, Harry Potter!" said the Joker, beaming.

"My name is Jonathan Crane, the All Knowing," retorted the wizard.

"Can I call you Johnny?" asked the Joker.

"No," he snapped. "You may call me Jonathan Crane, the All Knowing."

"If you're all knowing, how come you ain't figured out a way to get rid of this terrible beast that's been plaguing the kingdom?" asked the Joker.

"I do know how to kill the beast," retorted the wizard. "But I lack the ability to do it. Only a man of unfailing courage and nobility can face the monster and defeat it. And I do not meet those specifications."

"Oh. You're a coward, huh?" asked the Joker.

"I am _not _a coward," growled the wizard. "But I am a man of theory rather than practicality. I would be utterly useless in a fight against a monster, though I daresay I could devise a fairly effective strategy for defeating one. But the man who actually defeats the beast will have to be someone like the Dark Knight."

"The Dark Knight?" repeated the Joker. "Who's he?"

"Me," said a deep voice. The Joker turned to see the armored knight standing behind him, studying him with narrowed eyes hidden behind his helmet. "Who is this?" he demanded of the wizard.

"He's the…um…clown the physician sent for, sir," stammered the wizard. "The one for Princess Harley…"

The Dark Knight growled angrily. "The last thing Princess Harley needs at a time like this is some idiot jester making a fool of himself," he muttered.

"Physician Leland seems to think it will help…"

"Physician Leland is not as wise as she thinks she is," interrupted the Dark Knight. "Princess Harley will not be amused by this vagabond. She will merely send him away, as she has all the others."

"Well, you could at least let me have a shot at cheering her up, couldn't ya?" asked the Joker. "I have come all this way. At least let me see her."

The Dark Knight sighed heavily. "Very well," he murmured. "Follow me."

They entered the castle and climbed up a long flight of winding stairs to the tower. "Her highness keeps to her room," said the Dark Knight. "It is the safest place for her."

"What, you lock her in?" asked the Joker, as the Dark Knight pulled out a key and unlocked the door. "Is she a princess or a prisoner?"

"It is for her highness's own safety that she is secured," retorted the Dark Knight. "There is always the possibility that the beast might attack, as it did her unfortunate parents. But don't mention that to her. I would wish you luck, but luck has nothing to do with it. You will not make her smile."

And with that, he opened the door and shoved the Joker into the room, locking the door behind him. The Joker saw a young woman seated in front of a mirror, who turned at his entry. And he looked for the first time upon Princess Harley.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh…wow!" the Joker gasped, staring at Princess Harley. "Geez, you're…uh…I mean…nobody told me you'd be so…uh…you're beautiful!"

Princess Harley gazed back at him sadly. "Is that a joke?" she whispered. Her big, wide blue eyes were red and lifeless from crying, her pretty round face was pale and wan, and her golden hair looked scraggly and unkempt hanging around her shoulders.

"No, that ain't…I mean, it'd be a pretty sorry joke, wouldn't it?" asked the Joker. "Telling a dame she's beautiful when you didn't mean it…that's not funny. And I don't do unfunny jokes, toots. I mean, sure, your hair could use a comb, and maybe you could slap some makeup on, and put on a smile, and then you'd be stunning, but like this…yeah, you're beautiful."

"It's nice of you to say so," she murmured. "But beauty doesn't make you happy," she sighed, turning to face the mirror again.

"Well, it does if you get to look at it all day!" exclaimed the Joker. "I know I'd be happy staring at you forever, toots!"

She looked at him. "You're a strange man," she murmured. "Not like the others."

"Yeah, I'm not much like anyone, toots," he said, nodding. "I'm the Joker."

"Call me Harley," she said. "Everyone does. Well, actually everyone calls me your highness, but I'd like them to call me Harley."

"You tell 'em that?" he asked. "You're the Princess – people should call you what you want."

"I dunno if everyone here would be comfortable with that," she murmured. "I mean, there's a hierarchy to this feudal system, and I wouldn't wanna risk ruining it by having people casually call me by my first name. Might break the whole thing."

"Fair enough," said the Joker, shrugging.

"You can…call me Harley, though," she repeated. "I mean, I guess it's ok for…friends and people like that."

"You're saying we're friends, toots?" he asked.

She looked at him steadily. "I'm saying…I _need_ a friend," she murmured, looking down at her hands.

The Joker took her hands, smiling. "Then I'm your man, Harley," he said.

The door to the tower opened again suddenly. "Would you like me to send him away yet, your highness…" began the Dark Knight, but his eyes narrowed when he saw the Joker holding Princess Harley's hand. Princess Harley quickly ripped her hand away, turning to the Dark Knight.

"Uh…no, thanks. I'd actually like him to stay at court for…a little while," she murmured, gazing at the floor. "If it's all right with you…"

"Well, last I checked, the Princess of Gotham didn't need to ask permission from anyone, especially not some random knight," said the Joker.

The Dark Knight glared back at him. "That would be…fine, your highness," he muttered. "I'll tell the servants to prepare a room for him in the castle. But we should both leave you to your rest now."

"What? But I didn't get the chance to tell her any jokes…" began the Joker.

"Her highness is tired," interrupted the Dark Knight. "Aren't you, your highness?"

"I…uh…yeah, I am," murmured Princess Harley, looking at the floor again.

"Mourning does take its toll," explained the Dark Knight. "Come along, Mr. Joker."

"I…look forward to seeing you again soon, Mr. Joker," said Princess Harley, catching his arm as he left.

He smiled at her. "Hey, call me Mr. J," he murmured.

Princess Harley gave a small smile back. "Mr. J," she whispered.

The Dark Knight slammed the door at that moment, locking it and storming back down the stairs. "I will leave you with the servants, if I may," he muttered. "I have pressing business to attend to elsewhere. Excuse me."

"No problem, sport!" said the Joker, as the Dark Knight stormed off. The Dark Knight made no response, except to grit his teeth. He headed out of the castle gates and into the nearby forest, walking purposefully off the path, which only the bravest people did, for everyone knew that the forest was haunted. The Dark Knight was not afraid, however, striding through the undergrowth until he reached a clearing which contained a small, dilapidated hut. He knocked on the door.

"Enter," said a soft, low female voice.

He pushed open the door to reveal a single room, filled with plants and herbs and foliage of all kinds. In the center of the room was a large, black cauldron, bubbling with green liquid, and by this cauldron sat a beautiful woman, with pale green skin and dark red hair. She looked up as the Dark Knight entered and smiled.

"Hello, lover," she purred. "What brings you to my lair?"

"I think you know," muttered the Dark Knight. "What's the good of being a witch if you don't know that which is hidden?"

The woman grinned. "I _do _know," she murmured, dipping a finger into the cauldron. A wisp of smoke rose up from the potion, which revealed the Joker, looking around his room at the castle. "You fear him," she murmured.

"I fear nothing," retorted the Dark Knight. "Especially not some bumbling fool of a court jester."

"Then why have you come to see me?" murmured the woman.

The Dark Knight was silent. "Could he…" he began, slowly. "Could the…clown…ruin my plans?"

She grinned again. "The future is always uncertain, my Dark Knight," she murmured, swirling her finger around the cauldron. "Many things could happen. I am unable to see what will precisely."

She lifted her finger again, and another wisp of smoke revealed Princess Harley, seated in front of her mirror and gently picking up a brush, running it through her hair. There was a faint smile on her lips. A smile that made the Dark Knight's frown deepen.

"I will not let him destroy all my hard work," whispered the Dark Knight. "I may need your help again, Poison Ivy."

"Of course, lover," she breathed, smiling. "Just tell me what you want me to do."


	4. Chapter 4

"So who knows why Cinderella was such a lousy baseball player?" asked the Joker, looking around the great hall at the assembled court. "Anyone? Give up? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach!"

The court just stared blankly back at him. "Boy, tough audience," he muttered, looking around at the unsmiling faces. "You all know the story of Cinderella, right? Which I think is probably greatly exaggerated, by the way. I met her a few months ago, and there's no way that dame can fit in a pumpkin. But she'd be terrible at baseball anyway – she's got a tendency to run away from balls, after all…"

"Is this really the extent of your humor?" asked the Dark Knight, standing up.

"Well, no, I just do the Cinderella routine as my opening act, usually," said the Joker. "People like a little pop culture and celebrity references. But I'll move on. Who knows why dragons sleep all day? Anyone? C'mon, this one's easy. So they can fight knights!"

There was a giggle from the doorway, and all eyes turned to see Princess Harley entering the room. Everyone immediately stood up out of respect for her.

"Your highness…we weren't expecting you to join us for dinner…" stammered the Dark Knight. "You usually eat in your room…"

"I just thought I'd take advantage of the entertainment," said Princess Harley, taking a seat in the throne. "He's terribly funny, isn't he?"

"Oh…yes, your highness," said the Dark Knight, slowly. "Yes, he is."

There was a murmuring around the court as everyone hurried to agree with her, and started laughing at the Joker's jokes. He smiled at Princess Harley, who smiled back. The Dark Knight looked from one to the other and glared, but said nothing.

"Would you care to join us, Mr. J?" asked Princess Harley when his act was finished. She gestured to the seat beside her. "I'm sure the Dark Knight will be happy to move."

The Dark Knight was not happy, but he stood up reluctantly and let the Joker have his seat. "By the way, toots, I was right," said the Joker, sitting down next to her and grinning. "You look stunning when you smile."

She did smile at this. "Well, it…uh…feels good," she murmured. "After going so long without smiling. It feels real good."

"Some might consider it an insult to your parents' memory," spoke up the Dark Knight.

"Don't be ridiculous," snapped the Joker. "No one who really loved her would wanna see her unhappy. Your parents would be glad to see you smile, toots. Just like everyone who cares about you is."

Princess Harley beamed at him. "Isn't he wonderful?" she asked the Dark Knight. "He's just what we need at Castle Arkham – a ray of sunshine. This place has been so gloomy for far too long. It was never like that when my parents were alive. There was always sunshine and laughter."

"Not after the beast came, your highness," reminded the Dark Knight. "Speaking of which, are you sure it's advisable for you to be out of your room? The beast could strike at any time."

"What, here in the great hall?" asked the Joker, skeptically. "Well, if it does, I'm sure you can handle it. Being the bravest and strongest knight in the whole kingdom, slaying this monster should be a piece of cake, right? Speaking of which, why ain't you done that yet?"

The Dark Knight glared at him. "I have informed the council and her highness what I desire in exchange for my services," he muttered.

"So you're holding the whole kingdom and the Princess hostage until they concede to your demands?" asked the Joker. "Isn't that basically blackmail? I thought knights were meant to be all noble and heroic."

"I seek only to protect this kingdom and her highness," muttered the Dark Knight. "Which is why I wish her to marry me."

The Joker laughed. Then his face fell when no one else did. "Oh…I thought that was a joke," he said slowly. "You're serious? Oh, wow. Oh God, no, that doesn't work at all," he said, looking from the Dark Knight to Princess Harley. "No, no, no, I just don't see it. I mean, you don't love him, do ya, toots?"

"Her highness's feelings should be immaterial," interrupted the Dark Knight before Princess Harley could respond. "She should accept my offer for the good of her kingdom. But her own selfishness makes her refuse me, and she continues to let her people suffer and die at the hands of this monster. She could end it all, but she chooses to be difficult."

"You gonna let him speak to you like that?" asked the Joker, turning to Princess Harley. "Cause if I were you, I'd say off with his head."

"I…do not wish to offend the Dark Knight," murmured Princess Harley. "He is the only hope this kingdom ever has of being safe from the beast."

"So you're gonna let him get away with murder?" asked the Joker. "Seems kinda wrong to me, toots. I mean really, how hard can it be to kill this monster?"

"Maybe you should try it," growled the Dark Knight.

"You point me in the direction of its lair, and I will," retorted the Joker.

The Dark Knight stared at him. "Is that a joke?" he murmured.

"Do I look like I'm joking?" asked the Joker. "I know I do, but I ain't in this case. Yeah, tell me where it lives and I'll see if I can't take care of it for you. Assuming Harley doesn't object, of course," he said, turning to Princess Harley.

"I would be…concerned for your safety," she murmured, staring at him. "What if you didn't come back?"

The Joker shrugged. "Well, at least I would have died for a good cause," he said. "Y'know, for a dame with a beautiful smile."

She smiled shyly. "You're very sweet," she whispered. "But no one knows where the beast lives."

"I know someone who does," said the Joker. "Hey, Johnny!" he shouted across the room.

"I don't respond to that name," retorted the wizard.

The Joker sighed. "Jonathan Crane, the All Knowing!" he called.

"Yes, how may I be of service?" asked the wizard, smiling as he came over to them.

"If you're all knowing, you gotta know where this terrible beast's lair is, huh?" asked the Joker.

"Of course – I know everything," retorted the wizard. "As my name suggests."

"So where is it?" asked the Joker.

"Through the forest," replied the wizard.

"Ok. That ain't very specific," said the Joker.

"I never said I had specific knowledge of everything," retorted the wizard. "Nobody has returned from the beast's lair alive to give precise directions. But all who have gone in search of it have gone through the forest. And since they have not returned, one can only assume they found what they were looking for. Simple logic."

"Right," sighed the Joker. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing. I'll pack and head off," he said, standing up.

"You're leaving right away?" asked Princess Harley, concerned. "But you've only just arrived!"

"Well, the sooner I leave, the sooner I'll come back," said the Joker, smiling. "Hopefully with the head of the beast. And I'm doing it with no strings and no conditions. You don't have to marry me for it. It'll be enough to see you smile."

He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. "See ya around, folks!" he said, with a nod at the Dark Knight. Princess Harley gazed after him as he strode from the room, whistling.

Later that night, the Joker received a message from Princess Harley asking him to visit her in her tower room before he left. He showed the message to the Dark Knight, who reluctantly unlocked the door to the tower and ushered the Joker inside.

"You wanted to see me, toots?" he asked.

Princess Harley was gazing into the mirror. She turned slowly to face him. "Do you have to go?" she whispered. "I…I don't want you to leave me alone here. I couldn't bear it again, being alone without a friend…"

"I'm still your friend, Harley," he murmured. "I'm doing this for you. Everything is gonna be better once I kill this monster. You won't have to hide like this anymore."

She nodded slowly, and then looked up at him. "Let me come with you," she whispered. "I can't bear just sitting around and waiting for something to happen. I've done enough of that. And it would be intolerable when I know you might not come back."

"But it's gonna be dangerous, toots," he said. "If something happened to you, what would the kingdom do?"

"If something happened to you, I dunno what _I _would do," whispered Harley. "Please let me come with you, Mr. J. The kingdom has run itself fine without me when I've been locked up in here. It won't miss me now."

She took his hand. "Please," she whispered. "This monster killed my parents. I should be the one to slay it if anyone should."

The Joker nodded. "Fine with me, toots, but how are we gonna get outta here with the Dork Knight outside? I don't think your hair's long enough for us to climb down it."

Princess Harley grinned. "No," she agreed. "But my bedsheets are."

She reached under the bed and pulled out a long rope made of sheets tied together. She tied this to the bedpost and threw the other end out of the window. "Coming, Mr. J?" she asked, climbing out the window and starting down the rope.

The Joker thought. "Hmm…I could make some sort of innuendo outta that question, but I won't," he said, climbing down the rope after her. "This is a story for kids, after all."


	5. Chapter 5

"How does the guy in the story know that he's in a story for kids?" asked J.J. of his father, breaking into the narrative.

"I told ya, J.J., because he's a real smart clown," replied Joker.

"Maybe the wizard told him," said Arleen. "Since he knows everything."

"Oh yeah, that makes sense," said J.J., nodding.

"Anything else that doesn't make sense in this fairy tale yet, J.J.?" asked Joker. "You're fine with the existence of witches and wizards and monsters, huh?"

"Sure, Daddy, those are in all the fairy tales," replied J.J. "There is one thing that's kinda confusing though – how come the Princess is going with the hero to slay the monster? Shouldn't she wait in her tower, the way all the Princesses in the other stories do?"

Joker shrugged. "She's a different kinda princess, like I said," he replied. "Likes to get her hands dirty. I mean, there's no reason that she's gotta wait in the tower, is there?"

"No, it's just what's usually done," replied J.J.

Joker laughed. "If you kids learn nothing else from this story and from me, learn that it's not important to care about what's usually done. If I lived my life doing what's usually done, I'd never have any fun at all."

"I don't see why the Princess can't do whatever she wants," said Arleen.

"She can," agreed Joker, nodding. "Just like you can, sweetness. And you can, J.J. The important thing is she's doing what she wants to do with her life, and that's the only thing that matters. Don't you care what's usually done, or what anyone else thinks. Your Mommy and me wouldn't be where we are today if we did that."

"Where would you be, Daddy?" asked Arleen.

Joker thought for a moment. "Locked in a tower, I guess," he said. "Or a cell. Same difference really. What about you, pooh?" he asked Harley.

"Well, I wouldn't have my puddin' or my kiddies," said Harley, who was cuddling Arleen. "So I guess I'd be in hell."

"Is that a real place, Mommy?" asked J.J.

"Only in your mind," replied Harley.

"How can it be real if it's in your mind?" asked Arleen.

"Aw, sweetness, most of things that are real for Daddy are only in his mind," said Joker, patting her head. "Don't this story seem pretty real to you? But it's all in your imagination, right? Still, that don't make it seem any less real, does it?"

"I guess not," agreed Arleen.

"Keep going with the story, Daddy," said J.J. "I wanna hear what happens in the forest."

"Is it gonna be scary?" asked Arleen, cuddling closer to her mother.

"Well, it's gonna be suspenseful, edge of your seat excitement!" exclaimed Joker. "But scary…well, I guess you'll have to decide."

So the Joker and Princess Harley entered the forest. Now this forest, as I've mentioned, was thought to be haunted, and with good reason. You certainly couldn't pay me to go into it after dark. The trees were so tall that they blotted out the light, so that even at midday, it was dark and gloomy. The floor was a carpet of moss and mushrooms, and the path was mostly overgrown with weeds and nettles and poison ivy. The kind that leaves you scratching, not the kind whose eyes you wanna scratch out. Anyway, I've always said plants don't stand a chance against a nice pair of hedgeclippers, and while the Joker didn't have a pair of those, he did have a sword he had borrowed from the castle armory, which he used to cut through the overgrown path.

"This place ain't so bad," he commented to Princess Harley, as she followed him. "I mean, I'm a city guy myself, but as dark, creepy forests go, this one's got a kinda old-world charm to it, doncha think?"

"Sure, Mr. J," agreed Princess Harley, looking around. "Wouldn't wanna live here or anything…"

"Oh God, no, you'd have to be crazy," said the Joker, nodding. "And I ain't crazy."

"You think anybody _does_ live in here?" asked Princess Harley. "Aside from the beast, of course."

"Crazy people, I guess," replied the Joker.

"Do you think any of them could help us find the beast?" she asked

"If we come across any, we'll ask them," said the Joker.

"I'm not sure I'd like to meet crazy people," said Princess Harley.

"Oh, you can't help that," said a voice from behind them. "We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad. You must be, or you wouldn't have come here."

They whirled around to see a small man in a top hat studying them. His face fell. "You're not Alice," he muttered.

"Er…no," stammered Princess Harley. "I'm Princess Harley of Gotham, and this is the Joker."

"You're not Alice," repeated the man, sighing. "Botheration. She's terribly late, you know. Terribly, terribly late."

"Right…and you are?" asked the Joker.

"Isn't it obvious?" retorted the man. "I'm the Mad Hatter."

"You're mad?" asked Princess Harley.

"Funny, you don't look that angry to me!" chuckled the Joker.

"Yes, very droll," sighed the Mad Hatter. "I daresay Alice would be rather amused by that, if she weren't late," he said, checking his pocket watch.

"So…uh…Mr. Hatter," began Princess Harley, slowly. "Do you…uh…know where the beast lives?"

"The Jabberwocky?" asked the Mad Hatter. "Indeed I do. But you must beware the jaws that bite and claws that catch. Beware the Jubjub bird and shun the frumious Bandersnatch."

"Yes…we'll…do that," said the Joker slowly. "But if you could just point us in the direction of the beast's lair…"

"Oh, where is Alice?" demanded the Mad Hatter, looking around in annoyance. "If she were here, she would tell you to follow the path through the woods until you come to the bridge. Cross the bridge and enter the cave. That is where the Jabberwocky resides. But as she is not here, I'm afraid she cannot help you, and neither can I. Good day," he said, tipping his hat.

"Er…yeah…thanks," said the Joker.

"Oh, one more thing," said the Mad Hatter, turning back around. "Beware the witch. She does not let anyone enter her woods and tread upon her plants without making them suffer terribly for it."

"Oh yeah, we'll be on the lookout for her, along with Alice, the March Hare and the Dormouse," said the Joker, sarcastically.

"I sense that you mock me," muttered the Mad Hatter. "Do not. Like the Mock Turtle, I am deadly serious. The witch will find you and make you pay."

"So beware the Jabberwocky, the Jubjub bird, the Bandersnatch, and the witch," said the Joker, nodding. "Got it."

"And if you see Alice, tell her to hurry up," added the Mad Hatter. "She's late, terribly late, you know."

The Joker waited until the Mad Hatter had disappeared and shook his head. "I pity the insane," he sighed. "Must be real hard living inside their heads."


	6. Chapter 6

"Well, looks like the Hatter _was_ mad after all," commented the Joker, as he and Princess Harley left the woods. "There wasn't a Bandersnatch, a Jubjub bird, or a witch in there."

"Not that we saw," replied Princess Harley.

"If I don't see it, I don't believe in it," retorted the Joker. "Probably a pretty crazy way to think, but nobody could ever accuse me of being totally sane."

"It's certainly a pretty crazy way to think in this fairy tale world," agreed Princess Harley. "There are all kinds of impossible creatures and weirdos here."

They had reached the bridge, which was a small, precarious rope bridge suspended over a deep ravine, so deep you couldn't see the bottom of it. Suddenly, a man appeared from the other side of the bridge and hurried toward them.

"Speaking of weirdos," murmured the Joker, as the figure removed its robe to reveal a green jumpsuit decorated with question marks.

"I am the Keeper of the Bridge of Death, otherwise known as the Riddler," said the man. "If you wish to cross the Bridge of Death, you must answer me these riddles three, 'ere the other side ye see."

The Joker sighed, shrugging. "It's been done. Ok, my name's the Joker, my quest is to slay the beast, and my favorite color is purple. Can I cross now?"

"Er…no," said the Riddler. "Those aren't riddles…"

"Hey, the routine's not funny if you don't do it right," snapped the Joker.

"It's not a routine…" began the Riddler.

"Ok, well, nobody likes you, Eddie, and if you're not gonna be funny or helpful, you can just get lost, huh?" asked the Joker. "The only riddle here is why you're even in this story, and I'm gonna see that you ain't no more," he added, suddenly shoving the Riddler backward off the bridge and into the chasm with a shriek. "That was easy," he said, dusting off his hands. "Shall we, my dear?"

Princess Harley took his hand as they crossed the rickety bridge. The Joker suddenly began rocking it back and forth. "Mr. J, stop!" cried Princess Harley, clutching the rail for dear life.

"Aw, c'mon, Harl, lighten up," said the Joker, grinning as he jumped up and down on the planks. "It's not like this thing is gonna…"

But at that moment, the plank he was jumping on snapped. "Mr. J!" shrieked Princess Harley, rushing forward to grab his hand. With great effort, she pulled him back up onto the bridge, and then hugged him tightly.

"Oh, Jesus, for a moment there I thought I'd lost you!" she gasped.

"Hey, cool it, kid, I'm fine now," said the Joker, embracing her and stroking her hair gently.

"I dunno what I would have done…" she whispered, looking up into his eyes. And as he looked down into hers, their lips moved closer together and…

"Oh no!" interrupted J.J., scowling. "No, tell me they're not gonna kiss!"

"I think they were," agreed Joker, nodding. "But at that moment, a giant shape flew over them, its shadow so big that it darkened the whole bridge. A giant shape with big, black wings."

"The beast!" shrieked Arleen, hiding in her mother's arms.

"It _was_ the beast," said Joker. "But the Joker and Princess Harley only caught a glimpse of it before it was gone, heading in the direction of Castle Arkham, back the way they had come."

"We should hurry back and warn everyone that the beast is going to attack!" exclaimed Princess Harley.

"The Dark Knight's there – I'm sure he can handle it," said the Joker. "I didn't come all this way just to head back. While the beast's out, we can explore its lair and see if we can find any weaknesses. C'mon, Harley."

They crossed the bridge and arrived at the beast's cave, a dank, foul-smelling pit carved into the very rock of the cliff. Water dripped down from the ceiling, and they heard squeakings coming from somewhere inside. "Sounds almost like…bats," muttered the Joker. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness of the cave, they saw that there were indeed bats hanging from the ceilings. "Like some kinda…bat cave," said the Joker slowly, looking around.

"Mr. J, come over here!" whispered Princess Harley, beckoning him. He came over to where she was examining a strange gold belt, with a sword attached inside a scabbard, shimmering with a weird, golden glow of its own.

"What do you think it is?" she asked. "It looks magical."

The Joker pulled out the sword, holding it up to the dim light from the cave. "Yeah, I ain't an expert on swords, but this looks like a handy artifact to have in a tight spot," he said. "We should take it with us. If the beast was keeping it in its cave, that means it was protecting it. Which means it must be afraid of it falling into the wrong hands. Which my hands most definitely are."

"The wizard will know what it is," said Princess Harley. "We should return to the castle and show it to him."

"Assuming there's anything left of the wizard or the castle by the time we get back," added the Joker.

"I don't trust the Dark Knight much, but I do trust him to protect my kingdom if it's under direct attack," replied Princess Harley. "If there's nothing left of it, he won't have anything to rule, after all, and that's why he wants to marry me."

"You ain't gonna marry him, are ya, toots?" asked the Joker, gently. "You shouldn't marry anybody you don't love."

"I…don't love him," admitted Princess Harley. "But it seems…kinda crazy and evil to put my own personal feelings before the good of my kingdom."

"It's what I would do," replied the Joker. "And I don't seem crazy and evil to you, do I, toots?"

"Nah uh," she whispered, gazing at him.

"I mean, being selfless and noble and self-sacrificing is all right for heroes and people like that," said the Joker. "But heroes ain't very happy, y'know. And I've always thought the most important thing in life is that you're happy."

He clapped her on the back. "Anyway, there's a little thing we believe in called Divine Right. It means that God put you on the throne, so what's best for you is best for the kingdom, and what makes you happy makes the kingdom happy. May sound pretty crazy to those of us who are used to democracy, but it was a valid belief for hundreds of years and just goes to show that madness is all about perspective. Shall we head back?"

They carefully crossed the rope bridge, safely this time, and headed back into the woods. There was no Mad Hatter to greet them, but just before they reached the castle, they heard a scream from the nearby trees. They rushed to investigate, and saw a woman struggling with a strange, reptilian man with scaly green skin. "Help!" shrieked the woman, noticing them. "He's trying to hurt me!"

The Joker pulled out his sword and knocked the handle of it against the head of the reptile man. The reptile man fell back, shaking his head. He had a strange, greenish glow in his eyes, which disappeared now, as he rubbed his skull, looking around in confusion.

"What happened? Where am I?" he asked. He stared at the woman. "The last thing I remember is you kissing me…"

The woman struck him hard across the face. "I did no such thing!" she shouted. "Why would I do that?"

"So you can use your mind control…ow!" shouted the man as he was hit again. "Stop that!"

"You're the one who attacked me, you stupid brute!" shouted the woman. "I hope you've learned your lesson, Killer Croc! Don't let it happen again!"

"Er…no, ma'am, I won't," replied the reptile man, slinking off. "Uh…sorry, I guess…"

"Thanks for saving me," said the woman, turning to the Joker and Princess Harley with a smile. "You don't expect to just get randomly attacked by roving monsters."

"You kinda do in these woods," replied the Joker. "Anyway, you're safe now. No harm done. See ya around, toots."

"I feel I need to repay you in some small way," said the woman, catching his arm. "Here. Have a rose," she said, holding a flower out to him.

"No, that's fine, toots, really," said the Joker. "You keep it."

"I really would love it if you'd accept the rose," pressed the woman, smiling.

"I ain't really a flower kinda guy, unless it shoots acid…" began the Joker.

"Just take the rose!" shouted the woman, suddenly furious.

"I'll take it," said Princess Harley, trying to prevent the fight between the two as she snatched the rose away from the woman. "Thanks, Miss…"

"Ivy. Poison Ivy," replied the woman, smiling again. "And thank you again for saving me. You're such a brave, strong, handsome man, just like the Dark Knight."

"I'd prefer it if any comparison between him and me be kept to a minimum," retorted the Joker. "I'm a much better dresser, for one thing."

"Of course you are," agreed Ivy. "Well, be sure to take care of that rose now. Don't lose it. And thank you again for saving me from that horrible brute."

"No problem, toots," said the Joker. "C'mon, Harley."

They headed back onto the path, Harley holding the rose tightly in her hand. Poison Ivy smiled as she watched them disappear, whispering, "No, no problem at all."


	7. Chapter 7

"I gotta say, for a place that's been attacked by a monster, it don't look too bad," commented the Joker, as they arrived back at Castle Arkham. And he was right. It looked almost as if no beast had ever attacked the castle. And that was because it hadn't.

"Beast?" repeated the wizard, looking puzzled. "No, he's not been seen around here. Are you sure it was headed toward the castle?"

"It certainly looked that way," replied Princess Harley.

"And you're sure it was the beast?" asked the wizard.

"Well, it was big and dark and scary with huge wings," replied the Joker. "Looked a lot like a beast to me."

The wizard shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you," he said.

"I thought you knew everything!" snapped the Joker. "Surely you know if we saw the beast, and where it went, or you don't know everything, and you better consider changing your name!"

"Do you have a glass of water handy, Johnny?" asked Princess Harley, holding up the rose. "I think this thing is starting to wilt."

"Yes, of course, your highness," said the wizard, filling a cup and handing it to her. "What is it?"

"Shouldn't you know?" snapped the Joker.

"It's a rose a woman gave us in the woods for saving her life," said Princess Harley. "She…ow!" she exclaimed, as she suddenly pricked her finger on one of the thorns. She stuck her finger in her mouth, irritated, and began sucking on the wound.

"I've never seen a rose like this," said the wizard, examining it. "Some new, strange breed – I can't identify it."

"I repeat, you ain't all knowing," said the Joker.

"Do you at least know what this is?" asked Princess Harley, showing the wizard the sword.

His eyes lit up. "Indeed I do," he murmured, examining it carefully. "This is the long lost Sword of a Hundred Smiles."

"The what?" asked Princess Harley, confused.

"It belonged to the man who built Castle Arkham, the great King Amadeus," explained the wizard. "He was a mighty warrior who brought peace and prosperity to his kingdom after it was terrorized by a horrible monster. In thanks, his people gave him this sword as a gift, presented with the grateful smiles of a hundred of his subjects, hence the name."

"Oh. I figured it was gonna have something more to do with…like…piranhas," said the Joker, slowly. "Although piranhas can't smile, did you know that?"

"Well, it was a name that turned bitterly ironic after King Amadeus went mad, and began slaughtering his own people with it," replied the wizard, dryly. "Then people changed the story to say that the hundred smiles were the death grins of his victims. When he was finally slain, the story goes that a spell was placed on the sword so that its true power could only be wielded by a person of noble worth in a time of great need."

"Yeah? What kinda power?" asked the Joker.

"No one knows," replied the wizard. "Because there has never been a time of great need, or a person of noble worth wielding it, I suspect."

"And again, you ain't all knowing…" began the Joker, when the door to the wizard's study suddenly flew open, and the Dark Knight stood there.

"You!" he hissed, glaring at the Joker. "So you've returned, you cowardly brute! You sick, twisted, son of a..."

The Joker suddenly raised a finger to his lips. "Shh, kiddies!" he whispered.

"You've decided to come crawling back begging forgiveness, have you?!" demanded the Dark Knight. "Well, you shall have none!"

"Forgiveness?" repeated the Joker. "What the hell for?"

"For kidnapping her highness the Princess!" shouted the Dark Knight.

"What?! He didn't kidnap me!" retorted Princess Harley. "I went with him voluntarily to slay the monster who killed my parents!"

"Are you seriously asking me to believe that you're that stupid, your highness?!" snarled the Dark Knight. "That you risked your own life, the life of the only heir to the throne, by trusting it in the hands of some foolish clown?!"

"Why would you care what I do with my life?!" shrieked Princess Harley. "If I'm dead, you can just take the throne by force! That's what you want, isn't it?!"

"I want to protect this kingdom…" began the Dark Knight, when he suddenly noticed the sword. His eyes flashed fury. "Where…did you get…that?" he hissed.

"The beast's cave," retorted the Joker. "Figured it might be kinda important."

"Important?!" shouted the Dark Knight. "Give it to me at once!" he said, snatching it away from him. "This is the weapon that will slay the beast once and for all! And after I accomplish that, I will marry you, your highness," he said, turning to Princess Harley.

"You will not!" hissed Princess Harley. "Because I will never agree to marry you! I don't love you!"

"Your personal feelings do not concern me, or this kingdom, your highness," snapped the Dark Knight. "What does love have to do with anything, after all?"

"In a story like this? Quite a bit," retorted the Joker. "You ever heard of a fairy tale where the Princess ended up with the guy she didn't love because it was best for her kingdom? I ain't. True love conquers all in these kinda stories. Any other ending would just be crazy."

"And you are not my true love," hissed Princess Harley at the Dark Knight.

"Then who is?" demanded the Dark Knight.

Princess Harley opened her mouth to respond when she suddenly swayed unsteadily on her feet. She put a hand to her head and fell to the ground. "Harley!" cried the Joker, rushing over to her.

"Mr…J…" she whispered, raising a hand to touch his face and smiling. "It's you. It's…you," she gasped, and then her eyes shut.

The wizard shoved the Joker out of the way. "She's been poisoned," he muttered. "Guards! Get her to the physician at once!"

"You did this," hissed the Dark Knight at the Joker. "It was you! Take him to the dungeon!" he commanded, pointing at the Joker. "He kidnapped the Princess, and then poisoned her!"

"Why would I do a thing like that?" demanded the Joker, as two guards seized him, while the others rushed Princess Harley to the physician.

"Who knows how your twisted mind works?" growled the Dark Knight. "But you were the only one with the opportunity to poison her highness, and I will see that you are hanged for it. Take him away!"

"Hey! What about due process? I want a jury of my peers, dammit! God, this justice system is positively medieval!" exclaimed the Joker as he was dragged away.

"Why don't you start the preparations for his execution, Crane?" asked the Dark Knight. "I shall attend to Princess Harley."

"Yes, sir," murmured the wizard. He waited for the Dark Knight to leave, and then went over to where the rose Princess Harley had brought still sat in its vase of water. He bent down and examined the thorns carefully. "Well, well, well, Poison Ivy," he murmured to himself, eyes narrowed. "We meet again."


	8. Chapter 8

"Daddy, this story has a happy ending, right?" asked J.J. He had crawled down from the top bunk and was now curled up with his mother and sister, who looked equally concerned about the plight of the characters in the story.

"What do you think, J.J.?" asked Joker. "Do I look like the kinda guy who enjoys tragic stories?"

"But things look really bad at the moment, Daddy," murmured Arleen. "How can the Joker and Princess Harley get outta this mess? It seems kinda impossible."

"Nothing's impossible, kiddo," said Joker, patting her head gently. "I can't tell you how many times I've found myself in a bad or impossible situation, and still managed to make it outta it ok. The trick is to realize that anything is possible. I mean, look at me. Did you ever think a guy like me could end up with a family like this?"

"Why shouldn't you have a family, Daddy?" asked Arleen, confused.

Joker shrugged. "Just didn't seem very likely not so long ago. Daddy had other commitments that kept him preoccupied. And don't get me wrong, Daddy still has those commitments, and loves those commitments, but…maybe he's found something he loves more. Some joke he's finally found more entertaining than…a man in a bat costume."

"What are you talking about, Daddy?" asked J.J.

"Nothing," replied Joker, shaking his head. He joined his family on the bed, and they cuddled next to him. "Where were we in the story? Oh yes, the dungeons."

Now these dungeons were a really nasty place. All dripping and dark, with rats and spiders scurrying around. Not the most hospitable accommodation, not by a long shot. Or that was certainly what the Joker thought, as he sat, chained to the wall in one of the dankest, darkest cells. Things seemed pretty hopeless for him, but he was an upbeat kinda guy. Even being locked in a dark cell couldn't wipe the smile off his face.

And he suddenly heard the door open, and a figure he recognized stole into the room. "Well, if it isn't Mr. Needs-to-change-his-name," he said, smiling. "How ya doing, Johnny?"

"I've told you, I don't respond to that name," muttered the wizard.

"You did when Harley called you it," said the Joker.

"Her highness may call me anything she wants," he retorted. "That is her royal prerogative. But I will not be addressed so informally by the court jester."

"Well personally, I think this whole class system is way outta whack," said the Joker. "I look forward to a future where people don't have to address each other differently just because they came outta a rich person's…oh wait, story for kids…uh…just because they came from a rich family."

"We don't have time for jokes," snapped the wizard, reaching into his cloak and pulling out a magic wand. He held this against the locks on the Joker's chains, and they broke free. "We have to get you out of here."

"Gee, thanks, Johnny," said the Joker, as he opened the cell door. "So you don't think I poisoned Harley?"

"No, I know who did that," he muttered. "There is a witch who lives in the woods named Poison Ivy. She's the one who gave you that rose, and that's what poisoned her highness."

"Oh yeah, some Mad Hatter guy mentioned something about a witch," said the Joker, nodding.

"The Hatter is not mad," snapped the wizard. "In fact, he makes a rather splendid cup of tea."

"Then maybe he needs to change his name too," retorted the Joker.

The wizard put a finger to his lip as they reached the top of the spiral staircase out of the dungeons. "We have to get you to her highness," he muttered. "You're the only one who can help her. The Dark Knight has tried, but there is nothing he can do."

"Why not?" asked the Joker.

"Because he is not her true love," murmured the wizard. "And he is the only man who can save her now."

"Yeah? And who is he?" asked the Joker.

The wizard stared at him. "Uh…don't you know?"

"Hey, you're the all knowing one here!" snapped the Joker. "Why don't you tell me?"

"I can't just tell you!" snapped the wizard.

"Why not?" asked the Joker.

"Because these kinds of stories aren't about being preached at!" snapped the wizard. "They're about the journey, and the adventure, and some timeless truth hidden in the fantasy! If someone just told you the moral of the story, it would ruin the whole point of it! The point is self-discovery, which means you have to discover it for yourself!"

"All right, Johnny, calm down," retorted the Joker. "I'll play your stupid self-discovery game, just as soon as we find Harl…"

The wizard clapped a hand over his mouth suddenly. They had reached the entrance hall, and hid in the shadows as the figure of the Dark Knight suddenly approached the door to the castle, opening it to a hooded figure. "Is it done?" murmured the figure as it entered, throwing back its hood to reveal the face of Poison Ivy.

The Dark Knight nodded. "She is dying. Nothing can save her now."

Poison Ivy smiled. "No," she murmured. "She will be dead at the last stroke of midnight. And then you will be king. No one here will challenge your right to rule. And I trust you will fulfill your part of the bargain to me. After all, what's a king without his queen?"

"Don't worry, Ivy," murmured the Dark Knight. "You'll get what's coming to you."

"I know I will," she whispered, smiling. "But I thought you'd taken care of the clown, lover."

"Soon," replied the Dark Knight, nodding. "He's being prepared for his execution as we speak."

"I hate to contradict you, lover, but no, he isn't," retorted Poison Ivy. "He's over there hiding behind that pillar, and listening to every word we're saying."

"Yeah, and I gotta say, poisoning the princess so you can take over the kingdom yourself? That's pretty low," said the Joker, shoving the wizard out of the way and facing Poison Ivy and the Dark Knight. "If you're gonna take over, at least be man enough to do it directly. Y'know, do your own dirty work instead of getting a woman to underhandedly poison someone for you. But I guess you're a coward after all."

"Oh, that _is _funny," murmured Poison Ivy, smiling. "You think this is the Dark Knight's plan? You think he's in control here?"

She snapped her fingers. "Lover, bring him to me," she whispered. "Bring them both."

The Dark Knight strode forward, seizing both the Joker and the wizard and dragging them toward Poison Ivy.

"Whatever you do, don't let her kiss you," whispered the wizard. "She has a poison on her lips which controls men's minds. Once she kisses you, you will be a slave to her will, and forced to do whatever she commands."

"Well, I wasn't gonna let her kiss me anyway – she ain't really my type," replied the Joker.

The Dark Knight forced the Joker to kneel down in front of Poison Ivy. "You see, no man can resist me, Joker," whispered Poison Ivy, tilting his chin up. "I control them all, as I will you. Harley will die, and I will be queen. So how about a kiss?" she whispered, bringing her lips down toward his.

"Like I said, you ain't really my type," growled the Joker. He slammed his head up, colliding with her skull. She reeled back in pain, and the Joker used the distraction to break free of the Dark Knight's grip. He punched him across the face, and he released the wizard too.

"Go find Harley!" shouted the wizard, pulling out his wand. "I'll handle Ivy."

"Oh Johnny, don't make me hurt you," sighed Ivy, smiling again as she raised her hands. A mass of plant vines suddenly burst through the floor, reaching out to seize both the Joker and the wizard. The wizard waved his wand, and a bolt of fire shot from it, catching the plants. They writhed and shrieked in sudden pain, as did Ivy.

"Oh, Johnny, you're gonna pay for that!" she hissed. "Lover, get them!"

The Dark Knight drew his sword. The wizard whirled around and pointed his wand at the sword, muttering a few words. The handle turned red hot, and the Dark Knight dropped it, gasping in pain.

"Your pathetic tricks are no match for mother nature!" hissed Ivy, raising her hands again. A forest of thorns suddenly burst through the floor, enveloping both the Joker and the wizard.

"We need to do a little slash and burn gardening," muttered the Joker, struggling against the thorns. "Got a sword handy?"

"No," gasped the wizard. "But I can summon one!"

He managed to wave his wand, and whispered, "Sword of a Hundred Smiles, it's a time of great need – you be the judge of worth."

And suddenly the sword came flying through the thicket of thorns, and landed in the hands of…the Joker.

"Well, can't argue with magic," said the Joker, shrugging. And he began hacking and chopping at the thorns. The sword suddenly glowed brightly, and with a flash of light, incinerated the remaining thorns, releasing both him and the wizard from their grip.

They suddenly heard the clock strike midnight. "You're too late!" cried Poison Ivy, triumphantly. "At the stroke of twelve, Princess Harley will be dead, and this kingdom will be mine!"

"We got twelve seconds, Johnny!" shouted the Joker.

"Working on it!" snapped the wizard. He waved his wand, and a second later, they were teleported into the tower room, where Princess Harley lay on her bed, deathly pale and barely breathing.

"What do we do?" demanded the Joker, as he heard the clock continue to chime.

"You have to figure it out for yourself!" shouted the wizard.

"This really ain't a good time for games, Johnny!" yelled the Joker.

"How is the Princess always saved in these stories?" demanded the wizard. "I'll give you a hint – it's the most powerful thing in the world!"

"An atomic bomb? A tank? A submachine gun?" guessed the Joker.

"No! Something more powerful than all of that!" exclaimed the wizard.

"There's nothing more powerful than all that!" shouted the Joker.

"Yes, there is!" shrieked Arleen, breaking in on the story as she jumped up and down on the bed. "True love's kiss! It's true love's kiss! Kiss her!"

"I think I'm hearing…a voice from…somewhere," said the Joker in the story, frowning. "But it ain't loud enough to be sure…and the clock's ticking!"

"Kiss her!" shouted Harley, joining her daughter in breaking in on the story.

"I can…almost hear it…" said the Joker in the story. "But she ain't got much time left…if only there was someone else who could join in…what do you say, J.J.?"

"Kiss her!" shouted J.J., desperately. "Hurry up! Kiss her!"

"Oh, kiss her!" exclaimed the Joker in the story, grinning. "Well, why didn't you just say so?"

And he bent down over Princess Harley's sleeping form, and planted a gentle kiss on her lips, just as the clock struck twelve.


	9. Chapter 9

"Did it work?" asked J.J., eagerly. "Did he do it in time?"

"He's gotta have done!" cried Arleen. "He's just gotta! The witch and the Dark Knight can't win! They're the bad guys, and the bad guys never win!"

"Boy, ain't that the truth," muttered Joker. "Wonder why that is? Probably because the good guys cheat."

"Did she wake up, Daddy?" pleaded Arleen. "She's just gotta have waked up, huh?"

Joker was silent. "Well, for a few horrible seconds, Princess Harley just lay there. Her breathing had stopped, and both the Joker and the wizard were afraid they hadn't saved her in time. And then Princess Harley suddenly drew a deep breath, and her eyes flickered open, to see the Joker's face bent over her, and she smiled."

"'Told you it was you, Mr. J," she whispered.

"I never doubted you for a second, toots," he murmured, bringing his lips down to kiss her again.

"Yay!" shrieked J.J., clapping his hands in excitement and jumping up and down. "He did it!"

"You're ok with the kissing now, J.J.?" asked Joker.

He shrugged. "It's sometimes a necessary evil, I guess," he replied.

Arleen had her hands clapped over her mouth and was giggling and blushing in embarrassment at the thought of the Joker and Princess Harley kissing.

They drew away at last, and the Joker took Princess Harley's hand. "C'mon. We've got a Dark Knight to take care of."

"What's he got to do with any of this?" asked Princess Harley, confused.

"Johnny will explain on the way," said the Joker, heading down the stairs. "We could call him Jonathan Crane, the Walking Exposition since that whole All Knowing thing was proved to be a lie."

"You! You're supposed to be dead!" shrieked Poison Ivy, eyes burning in fury as Princess Harley, the Joker, and the wizard entered the throne room.

"Sorry to disappoint you," retorted Princess Harley, stepping forward and glaring. "Now get offa my throne."

Poison Ivy stood up from where she had seated herself on the throne, and beckoned the Dark Knight forward. "You all are proving far harder to kill than the usual walking sacks of meat I deal with," she muttered. "I think desperate times call for desperate measures, don't you, lover?"

"If you wish it, Ivy," murmured the Dark Knight.

"I do," she replied. "Lover, take care of them for me."

The Dark Knight nodded, and withdrew a small vial from his cloak, which he drained in one gulp. And then he fell to his knees, gasping at the sudden shock and pain. The others watched in horror as the Dark Knight's body twisted itself, as he changed shape, as a pair of huge, black wings sprang from his back, as his helmet split to reveal big, yellow eyes and sharp, white teeth.

"Oh…God," stammered the wizard. "The Dark Knight is…the beast."

"Didn't know that, did ya?" demanded the Joker. "Convinced that you need to change your name now, Johnny?"

The monster let out a shriek, flapping its great wings until it reached the ceiling of the throne room. "He's like some kinda…Bat-man," stammered the Joker. Then he grinned. "Oh, I get it. Nice."

The Batman shrieked again, diving toward them. "Get out of the way!" cried the wizard, shoving Princess Harley out of the reach of its claws. The Batman seized the wizard instead, tossing him up into the air and then swallowing him in one gulp.

The Batman hissed in pain as the Joker suddenly struck at his wing with his sword. He whirled around, diving toward him with blazing eyes and seizing the Joker in its claws.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Princess Harley, racing toward him, but she was suddenly grabbed by Poison Ivy. She forced her to look up to where the Joker was struggling against the Batman's iron grip, hacking at its talons.

"Watch the foolish clown die," whispered Poison Ivy, grinning.

Princess Harley had no choice but to watch as the Batman threw the Joker into the air and swallowed him whole. He dove toward Princess Harley, but Poison Ivy held up her hand.

"No, I'll handle her," murmured Poison Ivy, withdrawing a knife from her robe. "You've been a thorn in my side long enough, your highness. It's only fair that I finish you off myself."

"Why…are you doing this?" gasped Princess Harley, as Poison Ivy raised the dagger.

"Oh, it's nothing personal, your highness," she murmured. "I just wanna be queen, and you're in my way. And when a flower gets in the way of weed, however pretty that flower is, the weed has to strangle it. It's just nature."

The Batman had landed next to Poison Ivy, and watched as she prepared to bring the knife down. Suddenly, it choked, and made a strange, whining sound. Poison Ivy and Princess Harley both turned to glance at it, when it staggered back with a shriek. And a second later, they saw a blinding flash of light, and a blade slice down its belly, and the Joker climbed out of the Batman's stomach, supporting the wizard on his shoulder, who looked quite shaken. In fact, the moment they were free of the Batman's body, the wizard fainted.

"It's not…possible!" gasped Poison Ivy. "How are you alive?"

The Joker shrugged. "Let that be a lesson to always chew your food, kiddies," he said to no one in particular.

Poison Ivy would have responded, when Princess Harley suddenly struck her a harsh blow across the face. Followed by another, and then another, until she kicked her against the wall, knocking her unconscious. "That's for my parents, creep!" she hissed. "And for calling Mr. J a foolish clown. He ain't. He's…my true love. My Clown Prince Charming."

The Joker grinned, dropping his sword to the ground and holding out his arms. And Princess Harley raced into them. And things escalated from there.

"You mean…they started kissing, Daddy?" asked J.J., as Arleen giggled and covered her mouth in embarrassment again.

"Yeah…that's what they were doing," said Joker, slowly. "Anyway, when news spread that the monster known as the Batman was slain, there was much rejoicing throughout the kingdom. Sunshine, laughter, and prosperity returned to the land."

"What happened to the witch, Daddy?" asked Arleen. "Did they lock her up in the dungeon?"

"Nah, dungeons are easy to escape from," said J.J. "They wouldn't be stupid enough to do that. They killed her, right, Daddy?"

"Well, I know normally in these things they make the evil witch wear red hot shoes, or have birds peck out her eyes, but I ain't as bloodthirsty as the Grimm Brothers, and that's saying something," replied Joker. "Nothing so cruel and unusual happened to her. The wizard put a spell on her that drained her of all her powers, and she was forced to live like a regular mortal, which was probably punishment enough for her. But later on she met a knight with two faces, and fell in love with him, so despite having done some pretty horrible things, she got a happy ending after all."

"That doesn't seem fair," said J.J.

"Hey, even bad guys deserve some happiness," replied Joker, shrugging.

"And Princess Harley and the Joker…they got married, right?" asked Arleen, beaming. "And lived happily ever after?"

Joker nodded, gazing at Harley. "Yeah. They did. And because the Joker married Princess Harley, he became the ruler of Gotham, side by side with his beautiful queen. And it wasn't long before two little bundles of joy, a little prince and princess, came along to make their lives even happier. A little prince and princess called J.J. and Arleen."

"Hey! That's our names!" exclaimed J.J.

"Is this story about you and Mommy?" asked Arleen, wide-eyed. "Are you the Joker, and is she Princess Harley? Is that really how you and Mommy met, Daddy?"

Joker shared another look with Harley. "Something like that, yeah," he murmured, smiling.

"But now it really is time for you kids to be asleep," said Harley, firmly. "I know you've had a lotta candy today, and your Daddy's story was really exciting, but it's way past your bedtime."

"But Mommy, I'm not tired!" whined J.J. "I wanna pretend I'm the Joker fighting the Batman!"

"And I'll be Princess Harley!" exclaimed Arleen, punching the air. "Take that, Poison Ivy!"

"They're gonna be up all night now, puddin'," sighed Harley, looking at him.

Joker sighed. "Shame, really," he said. "Because if the kiddies don't sleep, Daddy doesn't sleep, and if Daddy doesn't sleep, he'll be too tired to tell his kiddies another story tomorrow night. But maybe if they were very good and tried to go to sleep right now, Daddy might reward them with another story tomorrow night."

This had the desired effect. Arleen and J.J. instantly returned to their respective bunks, curling up and shutting their eyes. "Goodnight, angels," whispered Harley, kissing them tenderly as she tucked them in.

"See you tomorrow, kiddies!" chuckled Joker, kissing them both in turn and then heading for his bedroom.

"Ah, kids!" he sighed as Harley entered. "You gotta love 'em! Imagine being that entertained by the exact same thing night after night! Simple minds, I guess. Although it will be nice to see the Bat again once I'm fully recovered…"

He was cut off as Harley shoved her mouth onto his, slamming him down on the bed. "Y'know, puddin', that story you told really put me in the mood for a little playtime of our own," she whispered, grinning. "How about it, my Clown Prince Charming?"

He grinned back. "Sure thing, your highness," he murmured, pulling her down to him. "Beat it now, folks," he said, to no one in particular. "This part of the story ain't for kids."

**The End**


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